The Year of Losing Weight, January 18, 2011

I am frightfully sorry that I have not kept up with my blog. I haven't lost much weight the last couple of months, due to the holidays and the fact that the most weight loss is during the first 6 months. I am down just 63 lbs. so far.

I have been going through the most horrific bout with depression since I last posted. Everything seems so hopeless (except the weight loss--the only thing positive I can think of). We have no money, my marriage is useless, I can't work, I'm losing touch with God and myself. I am not functioning in the world at all. The slightest stress and I fall apart. I cry all of the time over everything. I'm seeing a therapist every week and my psychiatrist every couple of weeks. Medication just isn't doing anything for me this time. I am planning to move to Iowa to be near my family, especially my grandchildren. Rylea and Joe are choosing to stay here. What they don't understand is that we are very near losing the house and everything else. We are going to have to file for bankruptcy no matter what choice I make about leaving. I can't even talk to Paul. When he hears enough, he just walks away. He can't be bothered with the business of everyday life. He goes to work and comes home and that's that. Everything else falls on my shoulders. With all of this worry, plus the stress at work, I just snapped. I don't want to go to the hospital, although that is what the psychiatrist suggests. I may have to. That is even more stress, because the problems will just sit here and mount and will be here ten-fold when I get back. I can't talk any more. I have to stop thinking about it all. See ya.